Between Two Lungs
by beautiful.unusual
Summary: James has a hard time coping with the death of his best friend, and boyfriend, Dean. Carlos hates seeing his best friend in pain. Warning: Self harm, Language, Slash.
1. Chapter One

He sat on the bed. Scrolling through old pictures of him and his boyfriend. It pained him that he was alone, but he wouldn't have it any other way. Moving to New York had been Dean's idea, and at the time it had been perfect. With him gone, the small, two bedroom loft seemed like the biggest place in the world.

He shut the laptop and curled him self into bed, tears welling up in his eyes as he feels around the left side. He drags his sleeve under his nose and charges to the bathroom. Picking up his razor, he throws it to the ground, watching it shatter against the tile. Picking up one of the blades, he palms it a few times before dragging it across his forearm four times. One cut for every tear that fell.

* * *

He woke up late the next day, squinting as his eyes met the afternoon sun. Throwing his legs over the side of the bed, he pulls himself into a sitting position, tugging at his sleeves, he sees the blood stains and know that today is a shower day. He pulls his shirt over his head and shuffles his way to the bathroom door to be interrupted by his ringtone.

**_"It's the only life you've got, so you've gotta live it bi-"_**

He picked it up, cleared his throat and tried to sound as if he hadn't been crying the night before.

"Hello?"

_"Dude! I thought you were dead! You haven't answered any of our calls!"_

He could hear Kendall in the background reprimanding Carlos for talking about death. He was happy to hear their voices. It had been a while since he's last talked to his friends.

_"We miss you. When are you coming back to LA?"_

_"It's summer and the girls are hitting the beach...IN BIKINIS. Bikinis, bro!" _He chuckled.

The truth, James did want to go back. He wanted to see his friends, but he didn't want to explain why he was gone. James was very much still in the closet. He had an excuse for everything. Him and Dean just got along well. He just wanted an adventure, so he moved in with Dean to experience New York. He wasn't planning on telling anyone that he and Dean planned on getting married.

"I know, bikinis, I'll come back soon, alright?" He hung up the phone and walked to the shower. He stripped off his clothes and threw them into the hamper. James scratched at the newly formed scabs on his arms, accidentally opening the cuts. He winced and watched as the blood flowed from his arm, down the drain. He sighed to himself, placing his forehead again the shower tile.

* * *

"JAMES!" Katie shouted, running over to the brunette to hug him. He opened his arms and leaned down to hug the small girl.

"Hey, Katie. I see you missed me." He laughed.

"Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. My brother's upstairs." She said, smiling as she walked away.

James walked into the lobby being greeted by a sarcastic smile from Mr. Bitters. He walked to the elevator, getting all of his luggage in before pressing the number six button. He closed his eyes, hoping his friends wouldn't ask too many questions when he walked in. He pictured all of the things that could happen if he told them he was gay.

They could hate him. They could love him more. They could be disgusted by his presence. He knew that they'd treat him differently.

The bell notified him of his floor and pulled him out of his reverie. The hallway leading to 2J never seemed so long before. Once he made it to the door, he knocked one time.

"Who is it?" Logan. James identified his voice immediately. He didn't respond, he just stood there. Logan opened the door, only to be greeted by James' pensive face. He smiled faintly, seeing his best friend of ten years for the first time in six months.

"DUDE!" Logan pulled him into a hug, forcing him to drop his things to hug him back. "It's good to see you."

Logan walked back into the apartment, leaving James at the door while continuing to converse.

"You coming in, or are 'ya sleepin' out there tonight?"

It was nice to be home. James looked over at Kendall who was seated on the couch.

"WELCOME HOME!" He said walking over to James to hug him, then grabbing his bags to bring to the room. Logan ran to help Kendall with James' things. Inwardly, James couldn't help but wonder where Carlos was. He'd been friends with all the boys since the third grade, but he and Carlos had shared a special bond ever since he saw him putting thumb tacks on the teacher's chair. It wasn't a great start to a new school, but it was a great start to a great friendship.

"Guys, Bitters raised the prices on the vending machines aga-_Oof!_" James turned around to stare at his best friend, collapsed on the floor on top of his last bag. He laughed to himself before extending his hand to help him up.

Back on his feet, Carlos lifted his helmet from over his eyes to see the man in front of him.

"JAAAMMEES!" He shouted at the top of his lungs, jumping up and latching himself onto James with the force of a mad cow. James laughed as he tried to stabilize himself. It had been way to long since he had last seen his best friend. It had been too long since he had seen all of his friends.


	2. Chapter Two

"Dinner was great Mrs. K." He collected the boys plates and cups and walked to the sink. Dumping everything in the basin and turning on the hot water.

"Sweetheart, you don't have to. It's your first night back, go do something with the boys." She shooed him from the counter and took his place at the sink. He walked from the kitchen to the bedroom, stopping at the door to admire the crack in the frame. Indoor roller hockey was a no no after that day.

Carlos was sitting on his bed, reading a magazine with them on the cover. James dropped down on the foot of his bed. He waited for Carlos to look up at him, but he didn't even flinch. Instead of waiting, James opted for throwing the closest, softest object directly at his head which happened to be a pillow.

"Dude!" He laughed and threw the pillow back. "I'm reading, here." He laughed.

As Carlos went back to reading, James stared at the picture on the cover. The four boys were together but Logan and Kendall were off to the side, laughing together at a joke unknown, and Carlos was latched onto James looking at the camera. He couldn't help but think that, that was how it would always be. He would never be as good of friends with Kendall as Logan was. Same goes for the other boys with him and Carlos. That was just how it was.

When his dog ran away, Carlos came over in the middle of the night to help look for him. Deep down, he knew they'd never find him, but the fact that Carlos helped him anyway made him feel better. When Carlos' grandmother passed away, he stayed at James' house for two weeks because he couldn't stand to see his mother cry. They've just always been there for each other. Good or bad. He hoped he could tell Carlos anything and he'd be there for him.

"I have something I want to tell you." He looked up and saw the look of concern on Carlos' face.

"Sure. Spill, man." He took a few breaths and tried to form the words in his head before he said them. He scratched at his arm, hoping the cuts were fully healed.

"I-uh-just wanted to-" He could tell Carlos anything. He repeated that in his head over and over, but nothing actually came out of his mouth. He just stared.

"..to _what_? You okay, James?" Carlos smiled, and placed the magazine on his knees.

"Yeah. I just missed you." He smiled, even though he'd failed at the task at hand. There was something about Carlos' smile that was just so...so...

"_...adorably infectious._" The words came out as a rush of air, nothing more than a whisper. He closed mouth almost as quickly as the words came.

"What'd you say?" He didn't look up from his magazine, which meant that he _obviously_ wasn't phased by the comment.

"Nothing." James solemnly lifted himself from the bed and threw himself onto his. He didn't even continue to wonder where these newfound appreciations for Carlos' adorableness came from. He just pulled the covers over his head and went to sleep.

* * *

James looked around the room. He rubbed the film from his eyes and noticed Carlos sitting on the foot of his bed. He looked at the clock. '3 AM' shone through in bright red lettering.

"Carlos. It's 3 in the morning."

"Your arm." Carlos nodded his head in the direction of his arm. He looked down at his sleeve and saw the small pool surrounding one of the cuts. "You were screaming. I turned on the light and your arm was bleeding." Carlos sounded so worried and confused, like a child witnessing their parents fighting for the first time.

"You're a cutter?" James didn't know such a harsh label could be said so _innocently_. If anyone else had said it, James would have denied it because of how disgusting the term sounded. When Carlos said it, it made him want to cry. "Talk to me. You know you can **always** talk to me." James shook his head.

"Not about this." He pulled down his sleeves and laid back down. He opened his eyes to see Carlos kneeling next to the bed.

"We've all had someone die, James. People die. Remember when Abuela died? I cried every night for a week. Remember what you told me?" James shook his head again, even though he remembered clearly.

"As horrible as it feels when it happens, we have to get over it. That they wouldn't want us dwelling on their death, they'd want us to remember them while we're living our lives." He picked up James' arm and shook it in his face. "This **_isn't_** the answer. You have friends. Friends that are there for you to talk to. I know you and Dean were close, but this is no way to deal with his death."

It shocked him that his words had been so important to Carlos that he's remember them seven years later. He'd never seen him so angry. He'd never heard Carlos make this much sense. It was weird seeing him so passionate about something. It made James happy that the first thing he'd seen Carlos passionate about was him and his well-being. He was a great friend, and James really took that for granted sometimes.

"I know." He sat up, and reached over to turn the light back on. "But this isn't something I can talk to you abou-"

"You can talk to me about **anything**, and I'm extremely hurt that you don't trust me enough to tell me whatever it is that's bothering you." He sat back on the foot of the bed, staring James down. Tears had started welling up in James' eyes and he was scared that he was going to cry. Scared to break in front of his friend. "That's the one thing our friendship has been based on since day one. Trust. If you can't trust me how can we-"

"I'm sorry, man. This just isn't something I can tell you!" He started crying. Carlos fell silent. All he could hear was the buzzing of the lights in the hallway and Kendall snoring in the other room.

"Not now." He pulled his knees to his chest ands sobbed. "_I can't._" I can't. Two words he had never heard come out of his friend's mouth. Carlos didn't know what James was going through, but he knew it couldn't be good for him to go through it alone. Inside, he wanted to cry with him but he knew that he had to be strong for his friend. He did the best thing he knew how to do. He sat next to him, wrapped his arm around him and let him cry on his shoulder. That's what friends do, right?

* * *

James woke up and rolled over, rubbing his nose into the shirt of the man next to him.

"Coconuts and honey mustard...?" He lifted his head and looked up to see Carlos sleeping next to him. He could have done the right thing and left his friend to sleep on his own, but he didn't want to lose this feeling. The warm feeling of sleeping next to someone who loves you. This was as close as he could get. He buried his face back into Carlos' chest. Coconuts and honey mustard was a smell that James could get used to.

_

* * *

Hope you guys like this one. Thanks for all the reviews. :) _


	3. Chapter Three

James woke up when he felt Carlos leave the bed. He watched under lidded eyes as his friend scratched his stomach on his way to the living room. The clock shone dimly in the California sun. **7:56**. He got out of bed and wandered to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and stared at the wreck in front of him. His eyes were bloodshot, his cheeks bright red and tear streaked, and his hair a mess. He washed his face, and brushed his hair down before noticing the stain on the arm of his shirt again. He pulled it off and looked at his arm, the skin still raw and red around the cuts. He went through the medicine cabinet looking for a band-aid. He placed it over the cuts and pressed down, wincing at the pressure. It made him feel sick.

He walked to the door, resting there for a while before pushing it open and walking to the living room. He sat next to Carlos on the couch, joining in on the Cartoon. Tom and Jerry, one of Carlos' favorites. Carlos handed him a box of cereal. James took it and scooped some up into his mouth.

"You okay?" He asked, sticking his hand into the box to take out a handful of Captain Crunch. James nodded slowly. He didn't really know if he was okay. "Good. I can't have my best friend feeling bad."

There was a long period of silence before James noticed how close he and Carlos were sitting. Normally, he would just push him over and they'd joke about it, but the fact that Carlos' knee was touching his didn't annoy him. It gave him this weird feeling in the pit of his stomach. Like bouncy balls in balloon being thrown at the wall.

James quickly got up from his seat and ran to the bathroom. His breakfast and some of his dinner found their way into the porcelain bowl. He sat down and wiped his mouth with a wad of toilet paper. He pulled his knees to his chest and tried to stop himself from dry-heaving. He flinched when Carlos urgently knocked on the door.

"You alright in there, JD?" James smiled at the use of his childhood nickname.

"M'okay." James heard Carlos' footsteps retreat to the couch. He reached behind, and turned on the shower.

He stripped off his clothes before hopping into the scolding water. He sat the the shower floor, letting the water fall over him. He knew he wasn't sick. He knew that feeling, he'd gotten it before, when he first met Dean. He couldn't do this, Carlos was his best friend. Carlos wasn't gay. He was setting himself up for pain and he couldn't handle any more of that.

His head fell backwards as he let the water wash over him.

* * *

Looking over at the clock, he realized he had missed dinner. He'd missed the day. It was 2 am, a time he'd become fond of waking up to on the clock. He pulled himself out of bed and walked to the kitchen, shocked when he saw Kendall already there. He walked over to the island and pulled out one of the stools.

"Can't sleep?" Kendall asked, he heard the microwave sound before Kendall set a plate of nachos on the counter.

"Nope." James scooped some cheese onto a chip and shoved it in his mouth. "You?"

"Haven't really been able to sleep since Jo left." James noticed the sadness in Kendall's eyes when he said her name. "She moved back to North Carolina, last week."

"That's not so bad. You can always go see h-"

"She broke up with me, _then_ moved back to North Carolina." He sat down on the stool next to James and laid his head on the counter top. "I can't sleep without seeing her. When you like someone that much, and they leave you just-"

"Don't know what to do with yourself. Deep down you knew it would end someday, but you hoped it wouldn't, so you never prepared to lose them?" He looked over at Kendall. "It hurts more to like people." He ate a few more chips before brushing the salt off of his hands, thanking his friend for the food, and leaving to his room.

Kendall lifted his head. He was never expecting James to understand how he felt. James had always been a player, a _man-whore_, to be facetious. He never knew that his friend was so in tune with his feelings. After that moment, Kendall had a new found appreciation for his friend's feelings.

* * *

When James woke up, the smell of cherry candy filled the air. Carlos had an obsession with them. Smelling it just reminded James of how much he loved being home. Carlos looked over and saw the boy awake.

"Good evening, sicko." He put his magazine down and bounced over to James' bed. "Feeling better? You slept pretty much, all day yesterday **_and_** today."

"I needed that." James ran his hands through his hair and stuck his hand out for one of the candies. He unwrapped it, and placed the candy in his mouth. "I haven't been sleeping that well."

"Why?" Carlos asked.

"Well, there are the dreams. I've also just been thinking about a lot lately." He shifted his gaze to the ceiling fan, watching the blades orbit the lamp hanging in the center.

Carlos was afraid to ask him what he was thinking about. At this point, he didn't know James that well anymore. He watched him stare at the ceiling, wondering what he was thinking about and why he wouldn't talk to him anymore. Had he done something to deserve his friend's distrust? Or was James' problem so big that he couldn't be help? He draped himself over his bed, popping another candy into his mouth before closing his eyes. Thinking of a better time. A time when he knew his best friend like the back of his hand. Before he had become this miserable mass of jelly.

* * *

_Hope you like it. - :)_


	4. Chapter Four

Early on in the morning, James had gotten a call from his mom. He missed her. It was soothing to hear her voice. She'd been calling to tell him that the divorce had been finalized. He was happy. His parents spent more time fighting than they did being parents. Maybe now he'd get the attention his missed out on as a kid.

"Hey." Carlos exclaimed, strutting into the room with his hands in his pockets. "I'm not gonna lie. I overheard your conversation."

"Oh." Carlos walked over and sat down next to James, flinging his arm over his best friend's shoulder.

"If you need anything, I'm here."

"I know." He smiled. Watching Carlos walk from the couch to the room. He got that feeling in his stomach again. As much as he didn't want to admit it, he was falling hard. For his best friend, of all people. His straight best friend. His straight best friend that didn't know he was gay.

* * *

To make matters worse, Carlos had a date that night. Everyone but James had a date that night, but like an idiot he went along anyway. The fair. It wasn't a horrible place to be, if you weren't a seventh wheel. Being there alone just made James think of Dean. How much Dean liked arcade games. How much Dean liked rides. How much Dean liked giant, stuffy puppies. It started to make him feel sick how much everything reminded him of Dean. His friends tried to include him the best they could, but he didn't want to ruin their fun. He walked off to a quiet corner near the ferris wheel, and sat on a bench. He watched all of the couples, old and young, getting off together, wanting so badly to make snide comments about relationships but he refrained.

He looked down at the plate of pizza, running his nose over it twice before throwing it in the trash can. He caught a glimpse of his arm. The cuts had gone from scabs to scars. Permanent reminders of the failures in his life. The times he failed to keep his parents from fighting. The time he almost failed at living his dream. The time he failed to live his life without Dean, which still had more scars to come. He knew that. The cutting made him feel like more of a failure. Like he wasn't strong enough. Before he could get too into his thoughts a girl walked over and sat beside. When he looked over, he realized that it was Katie.

"What's wrong?" She folded her arms and raised her eyebrow. Like brother, like sister.

"What do you mean? Nothing's wrong." James stated in a lackluster tone.

"Don't give me that shit. I'm not dumb."

"Katie, language!" He smiled and hit her arm lightly.

"Come on, James. Really. I know you're not happy. Something's really bothering you, and I can tell."

"Oh really?" James added mockingly.

"Yes really. You've been like my second big brother since before I could walk. I've had a crush on you since I knew what liking boys was. I know you better than you think I do. Talk." James paused for a while. Wondering if he should humor her and make up a problem, or just get rid of her.

"So you _do_ have a crush on me."

"Fine! Don't tell me! But when you want somebody to talk you off the ledge, don't come crying to me!" She stormed off, leaving James alone to think. He couldn't dump all of his shit on her. She's thirteen! He wouldn't even want her thinking about his problems, let alone trying to help him solve them. He thought about what she'd said. Did he look suicidal? Did he look that tired and depressed that people could physically tell that he was thinking about dying? He zipped up his hoodie and walked off. No one would miss him, they were all too busy.

* * *

He ended up Downtown. His legs hurt, and he didn't know if he should keep walking or turn around. With Saftysuit on full blast in his ears, he kept walking. Walking for what seemed like forever until he ran into someone.

"Sorry.." He looked up. Six guys in black surrounded him.

"Yeah. You should be, pretty boy." The leader said, punctuating his sentance by pushing James to the ground, knocking everything out of his hands. "Well, well, well. Pretty boy's got a gold card." He skimmed over everything in his wallet, stopping on the picture of Dean and James at the park on their anniversary. James' favorite picture.

"Please don't." James tried to get up, but was kicked to the ground. Clutching his stomach, he looked up.

"Oh. So this must be your faggy boyfriend!" Emphasizing the word 'boyfriend' with a kick to James' stomach. "Where is he now? Doesn't have the balls to protect his girlfriend?" Kicking him again in the stomach, James doubled over. He felt like he was dying and yet the only thing he was thinking about was Carlos. Carlos having fun with that girl seemed worse than any physical pain these guys could cause. That was before the kick in the face. The music stopped, everything went black.

* * *

"Sasha, have you seen James? I can't find him anywhere." Carlos was searching frantically for his best friend hoping that bumper cars would cheer him up.

"I haven't seen him since we got here."

"Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" He kissed her on the cheek. "I'm gonna go look for him."

* * *

He found James after he'd been unconscious for an hour. Alone. He didn't know what to do, so he brought him home, cleaned him up and put him in bed, checking his pulse every minute or so.

When James finally woke up, he could barely move. He heard distant crying coming from the other side of the room.

"Carlo-"

"Oh, thank God." He ran over to James' side and hugged him.

"OW!" Carlos backed away immediatly.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so stupid-"

"_Yeah_, you are." He laughed. It was light, but it was a laugh. It was enough to shake Carlos back into his normal personality. He laughed, then his face went stark.

"I thought you were dead." He sat next to James, pulling his legs under himself. "I didn't know what to do. I was so scared, dude. What happened?"

"I don't know." James sighed. He sat up as much as his sore chest would allow him. He hissed. Carlos grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight, trying to help him through the pain. "I was just walking, and I bumped into this guy. He took my credit cards and my cash and he-" He stopped.

"He what?" He moved over to look James directly in the eyes. "What did he do?" James sighed. He wanted to tell him, and this was his chance.

"He found my picture of Dean and I on our 1 Year Anniversary, called me a fag and beat me half to death." He didn't make eye contact. He didn't want to see Carlos' expression. It was silent for a few seconds before Carlos spoke up.

"Did he take the picture?"

"What?"

"Your picture? That's something you'd want to keep forever. Do you have copies?" He couldn't believe it. Was Carlos really taking this, this well? Shouldn't he be freaking out that his best friend is gay? Shouldn't he scream and run?

"Yeah, I can get more printed. Did you hear what I said?" Carlos nodded.

"Did you think I would care? You're my best friend. I love you, James. Straight or gay." He ruffled his hair and James smiled. He really was the best friend in the world.

"They got the guy that did _this_." He hissed as he pushed James' bangs away from his swollen eye. He set the ice down in James' hand. "The idiot used your card to buy gas." He walked over to the door. "Get some rest. The doctor said you shouldn't try to move, so if you need anything just ask me. I'll go let everyone know that you're okay." Carlos waved before he disappeared from the door frame.

If James could've redone that moment, he would've never doubted Carlos. Not for a minute.


	5. Chapter Five

James dragged himself out of bed. Pausing every second to stop the pain radiating in his abdomen.

"Hey, hey, hey! Back in bed." Carlos had been playing caregiver for the passed week. As much as James appreciated it, it was getting on his nerves. He wasn't letting him do anything. He couldn't eat his own food. He couldn't sit up. He couldn't go to the living room to watch tv. He really couldn't get up to eat with everyone. He'd pretty much seen only Carlos' face for five days.

"Carlos, come on! I've been in here doing nothing for a week! At least let me go take a shower. Please?"

"I just don't want you getting hurt."

"Do you seriously think I'm going to hurt myself between the room and the bathroom?" He kicked the covers off, shoving them the the foot of the bed. He didn't realize how agitated he must have sounded until he saw Carlos' face.

"Sorry." He sat down on his bed. His face went from sadness and confusion, to anger and annoyance. "I just feel like shit because you got hurt and no one was there to help you. I should've been there to help you. I'm your best friend, I should be there for you." James watched him ball his fists. He'd never really seen Carlos angry, he didn't get angry over just anything.

"This isn't about me...is it?" He saw every tense muscle in Carlos' body release, as he put his hand on his shoulder.

"What? Who else would it be about?" His expression changed in seconds. He was smiling again.

"Well-" Before James could complete his thought, Carlos' hands were on him. His right hand holding his face, and the other brushing his bangs out of the way of his eyes. "What are you doing?"

"Your eye's still bruised." He dropped his hand, his right lingered on James' cheek long after the other was gone. "It hurts to _look_ at it." James hissed as Carlos lightly pushed on the spot.

"It's not that bad, anymore. It was worse before." He grabbed Carlos' hand and pulled it off his face. "Can I go shower now?"

Carlos looked down at their hands. He looked back up to James' eyes and stared for a while. He'd always appreciated how James could smile through almost anything. That's why seeing him like this hurt him so badly. James was a beautiful person, and seeing him so depressed really took a light away from everyone's life, especially Carlos'. Carlos depended on James to make him happy, sometimes. It had been like that since they were young. It killed him to see pain in place of the normal hazel glow in James' eyes. All now surrounded by a swollen, black and blue reminder of what his friend was going through.

"You okay, buddy?" Carlos shook his thoughts from his head. Looking back at James' face.

"Yeah. I'm fine. Go ahead." James got up, and slowly left the room. As soon as he couldn't hear James' footsteps anymore, he picked up his cell phone. He dialed the ten digit number, and held the phone to his ear. He heard someone on the other line pick up.

"Mami?"

"Carlos?" She sounded weak, and tired. Two things that were never evident in his mother's voice. "Hi, niño. What's wrong?"

"I'm worried about you." He got up and started to pace around the room.

"I told you not to, I'm fine."

"I feel horrible about not being there. I'm your son, I'm supposed to take care of you." He fell down onto his bed and sighed. "Has papi even visited you yet?"

His mother just sighed, and he knew that that meant no. His father was no where to be found, now that his mother was sick. He'd never really been around to help them out. Once Carlos had hit thirteen, he had become the man of the house. His father took on more hours at work and spent weekends out at bars with his coworkers, leaving Carlos to take care of the family. He'd always hid it from his friends that he had such big responsibilities at home, he didn't know why but he felt like they'd treat him differently if he wasn't happy-go-lucky Carlos.

"Just get lots of rest, okay? If you need anything, I can be home like that, alright?" He snapped his fingers, emphasizing the thought that he could be there in a flash. "I love you."

He hung up the phone, he hadn't noticed that James had been standing behind him the entire time, or that he'd started to cry sometime during the phone call.

"Dude?" James sat down next to him. Carlos wiped his face and looked over at him. James was wet, and wore nothing but a towel around his waist. "You okay?"

"Yeah." Carlos got up and walked over to his side of the room, took a box of Puffs out from under his bed, opened it, and pulled out two tissues. "I'm fine. How are you feeling?"

He blew his nose, and threw the used tissue into the wastebasket beside the bed.

"You're not fine. Trust me, that's my lie, and you're not believable using it." James walked over to Carlos' bed and sat beside him. "If I can tell you about my problems, you can tell me."

"My mom's sick. Again." He leaned his head on James' shoulder. He didn't care that James was wet. "She doesn't sound good and she's all alone."

"Where's your-"

"He's nowhere to be found. He's never around when she needs him." Tears started rolling down his cheeks, onto James shoulder. James wrapped his arms around his best friend. "I'm scared. What if-"

"Asking 'What if?' just adds more stress. If everyone went around wondering 'What if?' no one would get on with their lives. She's going to be fine. I promise." He kissed his forehead, immediatly regretting the decision, but Carlos didn't stir. He'd fallen asleep, finally finding comfort in the arms of his best friend.

* * *

Carlos woke when his phone vibrated. Rattling against the hardwood. The screen lit up, 1:45 a.m. He looked down to see what was weighing him down. James' arm, thrown over his hip. He lifted the tan arm, and flipped it over. A series of parallel scars led from his wrist to his forearm. Carlos ran his thumb along the column of brown lines streaking James' almond skin. He looked up at James' face. Peacefully sleeping, snoring lightly. His long eyelashes resting on the tops of his pink cheeks. His lips parted slightly as he inhales and exhales almost sliently. All of the beauty of his face disrupted by the black, blue and yellow swirl around his left eye.

Carlos reached out and brushed his finger tips over the injured eye. James shifted in his sleep, tongue darting out to wet his lips, drawing Carlos' attention to the older boy's mouth. He licked his own lips, subconsciously leaning in closer to James. Their noses touched, James stirred and Carlos stilled. Once James was motionless once again, Carlos continued his on previous path. He reached it. Pressing his lips to James' gently. His body and his mind were on fire. He opened his eyes and immediately connected with hazel. He pushed back and jumped off the bed.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why-" He stumbled over the clothes on the floor and looked back at James. His eyes watering when he saw the shock on his best friend's face. Make that ex best friend. "I'm so sorry."

* * *

I'm sorry. I suck at updating. New chapter of Howl will be up soon as well as a new story that I will fail to update also. :)


	6. Chapter Six

James fell asleep once Carlos had finally dozed off. His dream was sweet, and simple. Him and his best friends, playing hockey with no cares or problems. Suddenly, the skies changed and Carlos came skating over to him, kissing him ever so softly on the lips. His eyes shot open when he felt the pressure on his lips increase. There was Carlos. Their noses touching, their lips connected. He didn't know what to do. He was pretty sure he'd been waiting for this moment since his was thirteen. He didn't want to ruin it, so he sat there.

It scared him when Carlos pulled back, frantically scrambling across the room to the door. James didn't catch was he said. It sounded like "_I'm so sorry._" His thoughts were too clouded by the kiss that he and his best friend had just shared.

"Carlos?" He yelled when he heard the front door of the apartment slam. He hopped out of bed and ran after him. After running around the Palmwoods twice, he heard crying coming from beside the vending machine. "Carlos?"

"James! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I didn't know what I was doing, it just h-happened." He got up and walked over to James, apologies falling from his lips like a torrential downpour. "Please just don't stop being my friend. I n-need you." Carlos fell to the ground again, hiccuping and cradling his head in his hands. James sat down, moved in closer and wrapped his arms around his best friend.

"Calm down. You're gonna get sick if you keep crying." He rubbed his back in circles, rocking him back and forth trying to calm him down. They walked to the elevator and rode it back up to their floor. When they got back into the shared room, the boys sat on Carlos' bed.

"It's okay if you hate me. I under-st-stand." Carlos wiped his nose on his sleeve and laid down on his bed. "I shouldn't have done it."

"Why _did_ you do it?" James crossed his legs and turned his body toward Carlos.

"You were there a-a-and you just looked so-" He turned onto his back and looked up at James. "So-"

"So, what?"

"I don't know!" He slammed the pillow over his face.

"Why now? Why'd you-"

"I don't know, okay! I can't put it into words." Tears started to well up in Carlos' eyes once again. He didn't do well in situations like these. "You were just there and you looked so peaceful. I just wanted to."

"So," James laid next to Carlos. "What now?" Carlos turned over and looked at him.

"C-can I kiss you again?" James looked back down at him. Carlos was sporting the famous "Carlos-puppy-face." With his giant brown eyes, and pouty lips, the face was the epitome of adorable. Almost too innocent for such a risque question. Ever since they met, James had never turned down a puppy face. He'd done plenty of Carlos' math homework because of it.

He turned back to look at the ceiling, avoiding the face being his foolproof plan.

"No." Carlos looked upset. Carlos' upset face was worse that his puppy face. "No, no, no. Don't be sad. I just want to give it time. You're obviously confused, and I sure as hell am too. I just don't want to rush into anything and have anyone get hurt."

James rubbed the bridge of his nose, hoping Carlos would take it the right way.

"But I'm not confused. I want to kiss you again." He leaned up on his elbows, trying to be more authoritative.

"Carlos, five seconds ago you told me didn't know why you kissed me in the first place!" He didn't realize how loud his voice had gotten. "'_Just wanting to"_ isn't really a good enough reason."

"You need to stop treating me like a little kid. I'm not a little kid anymore! I know what I'm doing."

"I DON'T WANT TO LOSE ANYONE ELSE!" James let everything go. All of the pent up emotions from Dean death exploding in his mind. "I don't need another boyfriend, I don't need another friend, I don't need anyone else to lose, Carlos! I can't get hurt again." James got up and walked into the bathroom. The door slammed and Carlos saw a yellow glow fall onto the floor around the door.

Carlos was shocked. James had gotten mad at him before, but it was never like this. He couldn't do anything but sit there and wonder what James must be feeling right now. He didn't go comfort him, he knew he needed his space. He tucked himself into bed, and tried to stop his mind from racing so he could sleep.

* * *

James woke up to the sun shining through the fabric of his blanket. He threw the covers off and looked around for his pajama pants. James had been hoping that last night had been a dream. It would've made everything less complicated. He found his pants, stepped into them and walked out to the kitchen.

"Hey, James. What's with the frowny face?" Logan sauntered over to the kitchen table, placing his laptop and bowl down onto it.

"Have you seen Carlos?" James went through the hamper looking for his lucky, black tank top. "Or my tank top?"

"Tank top's hanging in the bathroom. Carlos didn't sound so hot. Said he was going to see Sasha." Logan scooped some cereal up to his mouth. "Didn't say where, though."

"Oh. Alright. Thanks, bro." James walked into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. Was Carlos really going to see his girlfriend? His heart hoped that Carlos was going to break up with her, but in his head he knew that was wrong. James wondered when things in his life had become so complicated. Things had always been so easy for him before, but ever since he'd turned eighteen, that changed. It's like every horror story his parents had ever told him about becoming an adult came true.

James stepped into the shower and sat down and the water fall over him.

* * *

Something in James died when he heard how happy Carlos and Sasha were when they entered the apartment. He picked up his magazine and made his way to their room. He walked into the bathroom and grabbed his bag out of the cabinet. He put his razor on the ground, and stepped on it with all of the force he could manage. He threw away the shattered plastic and placed the two remaining parts to the razor in the bag. He inwardly thought of an excuse for the many broken razors that ended up in his and Carlos' trash at the end of the month.

"Here goes." He dragged the remaining part of the razor over his wrist twice. Once for the night prior, once for being jealous of Sasha. He bled longer than usual, this time.

"Too deep." He sighed to himself. He grabbed a cloth from the bar over the shower, wet it, and wrapped his wrist with it. He looked in the mirror, and stared deeply at his reflection. He was going back to the way he was and he didn't know how to feel about it.

"Thanks, Sash!" He heard Carlos faintly, approaching their room.

"Shit." He wiped his arm down, along with the counter, and the sink. He put the razor away in the back of the vanity and placed everything the way it was when he'd entered. He walked over to his bed, and saw Carlos sitting on the other side of the room.

"Hey." James smiled at Carlos and sat down on his bed, getting dizzy from the quick height change.

He closed his eyes until the room stopped spinning.

"You okay, James?" Carlos walked over to him and sat by his side. "I know last night was awkward, but I was hoping we could get over-" Carlos looked the taller boy up and down, noting his pale appearance. "it."

He ended his sentence and pulled the cloth off of his friend's arm. The underside of the towel soaked red, covering the deep, maroon cuts on the older boy's wrist.

"I look good in red, don't I?" James laughed and took a deep breath in.

"James, you promised." He wrapped the towel back around James' arm, holding it tight, hoping to stop the blood from flowing. He used his free hand to wipe the tears blurring his vision. "You promised me you wouldn't do this anymore!"

"I didn't mean to." The last thing James saw was Carlos crying before everything faded to black.

* * *

James was blinded by bright white lights. He knew where he was. He knew he'd taken it too far. He'd promised himself he wouldn't get to this point. He'd promised Carlos.

"Carlos-" he whispered. The small boy lifted his head lazily to see who'd been calling him.

"James." Carlos smiled and rubbed his eyes, letting them adjust to the bright light. "You had me worried." James looked around the room. Carlos was the only one. There was no sign of anyone else having stayed except him.

"Mrs. Knight was here." He sat on the edge of the bed. "Everyone was here the first day. They're worried."

"First day?" James noticed how hoarse his voice was. "How long have I been out?"

"Three days." He walked over to the opposite side of the bed, grabbed a water bottle and handed it to James. "You woke up for a few minutes during the transfusion, but they put you right back under."

"Transfusion? Did I lose that much-"

"That's what happens when you slice open a vein." He tapped his fingers on the bed's guardrails. "You scared the shit out of me James."

"Dude, I'm so-"

"Don't give me that. I thought you were _dead_." He pulled the chair over to the bedside. "You were bleeding to death right in front of me." Tears formed in his eyes at the memories alone. He ran his hands over his face and rubbed his eyes.

"Did you do the-" Carlos looked up to see James pointing at his arm where he saw a small hole.

"No. Logan did." He wiped his nose and looked up at James. "And you're damn lucky that you share a blood type with someone who loves you." James nodded.

"I know." He put his hand on Carlos' shoulder. "Thanks." He looked at Carlos, but looked down when he looked back up at him.

"It was my fault, wasn't it? This was because I kissed you." James' brows furrowed and he shook his head. Even though it had been about their little incident, he would never blame Carlos for his stupid mistake.

"No. I'm just stupid." He looked back up at the small boy, their eyes meeting. "I just didn't want to deal with my feelings."

"Well, I'm here for you if you need me." Carlos laced their fingers together and leaned back in the chair. "Go back to sleep."


	7. Chapter Seven

Carlos woke to James' groaning. He looked up and noticed James writhing and thrashing around on the bed. He pushed the right side rail down as quietly as possible and moved closer. He clasped his hand with James', rubbing the back of it with his thumb in soothing circles. He took his free hand and threaded it in James' hair, massaging his scalp. He noted the look of content that washed over James' once tense face. Carlos rested his forehead on his stomach, his head rising and falling with the taller boy's breaths. He was about to fall back into his previous dreamy state when there was a knock at the door.

"Pssst!" He turned and looked. Logan and Kendall were at the door with bags of food. Unhealthy food of course, but food none the less. Carlos inwardly thanked his friends for reading his mind. He'd been eating hospital food for almost a week. He was pretty sure that James was sick of it too.

"We got you the stuff!" Kendall whispered loudly, earning a glare from the nurse that had come in to check James' I.V. Carlos' hadn't even noticed her in the room. He'd gotten so used to people walking in and out. Poking and prodding at James while he slept. Logan placed a tentative hand on the girl's shoulder.

"If you move the bag away from the bed so that the tube's on an angle, you'll get a better flow." He told her. He probably knew more about the girl's job than she did. Carlos half expected her to scoff and walk away, but she smiled.

"Thanks. You a med student?"

"No. Actually, I'm in a boy band."

"Really?" Their conversation trailed out into the hallway. Good ol' Logan. Always knew how to get the girl. Carlos looked over at Kendall who was in the midst of devouring his french fries. He shoved a few in his mouth, chewed, swallowed, then turned to Carlos.

"How's he been?" He wiped the excess salt from his mouth and balled the napkin.

"So far, so good. I guess." He shifted a little in his seat, and pulled his hand out of James' grasp. "He came to, yesterday. Only for a little while. I told him about Logan, and how lucky he was that one of his best friends was a perfect match. I really don't think he sees the severity of the situation."

"So what happens now?"

"Doctor perscribed some anti-depressants. Said that he should go to therapy but since he's over eighteen, we can't force him to. She said to just watch him closely if he chooses not to go. Try to keep him happy and make it clear that if he needs someone to talk to, he can come to one of us."

"But he knows tha-"

"You think he knows that." Kendall gave him a confused look, then looked back down at his french fries. "He's just lost right now. He's got a lot going on." Carlos wiped the stray hairs out of James' face before sitting back in his chair, with a sigh.

* * *

"It'll be nice to be back in my own bed." James said, stretching himself out. The nurse smiled and pulled the needle from his arm. She placed a band-aid over the small hole, and rubbed it to make sure it was secure.

"Be careful getting up. Sit up _first_, then legs, _then_ stand. We don't want you getting dizzy." She ruffled his hair and peeled of her gloves. "Make sure to take the pills the doctor gave you, and..." She grabbed his arm, and tapped his taped up wrist. "No more of this. As awesome as you are, I don't want to see you around here any time soon." He nodded.

"Thanks, Alyson. I guess we'll be seeing you around?" She chuckled and left the room. Before he'd left a few days ago, Logan had made it his goal to get a date with her. Logan wasn't one to not meet his goals.

"You need any help?" Carlos' voice came from the corner of the room. He looked a mess. His hair all over the place, his eyes bloodshot and swollen. He yawned and it made James feel bad. He'd put his best friend through this. He wondered if Carlos had still thought that this had been his fault, then quickly pushed the thought aside.

"A little." James turned and pointed to the laces of the hospital gown running down his back. "Could you untie me?" He wiggled a little when he felt Carlos' fingers fall under the first string.

"Sorry. Hands are cold." Carlos rasped. He cleared his throat and untied the top knot. Carlos felt his face heat up as he got farther down, remembering that the taller boy was nude under the garment. Once he'd untied them all, he traced his finger down James' spine, separating all the strings. His hand must have lingered a little too long on the boy's lower back because he looked over his shoulder at Carlos.

"Am I done?" Carlos mumbled a yes and threw the pile of clothes on the chair at the boy. "Thanks, man."

James flung his legs off the bed, one by one. Like Alyson had told him, he got a little dizzy when he stood, but it was nothing closing his eyes couldn't fix. He rubbed the bridge of his nose, and opened his eyes slightly to find his way to the bathroom. He dressed quickly and walked slowly back out into the room. Carlos looked up at him, his eyes flickering between tiredness and adoration.

"Ready to go?" Carlos smiled and reached for his jacket.

"Not yet." James sat on the bed and motioned for Carlos to sit next to him. When the smaller boy sat down, he continued. "You know that this isn't your fault right?"

"James, I-"

"It's not your fault."

"You tell me that, but I still feel like shit. You told me that it was about what happened. What happened was my fault, therefore so is this!" Carlos ran a hand through his short hair and sighed. James shuddered. Carlos didn't swear very often, he was too immature, but when he did it upset James. Like his friend's once innocent demeanor would soon fade with every swear and derogatory term.

"You need to stop blaming yourself for this. You didn't put the razor in my hand, I did." He grabbed Carlos' shoulders and turned his body so they were facing each other. "Promise me that you won't anymore."

"Only if you promise me that you won't hurt yourself, and that you'll do everything the doctor said." James opened his mouth to talk, then Carlos cut in. "No more fake promises. This is _real_. I love you too much to go through this again, James."

Carlos shoved his pinky in James face. James noticed that Carlos' face was completely serious. No matter how old Carlos got, he'd always keep some of his childish tendencies. James linked pinkies with the small boy and Carlos grinned from ear to ear. James placed a hand on his shoulder, preventing the him from getting off the bed. When Carlos stopped moving, he slipped his hand from his shoulder, up to grip his neck.

"W-w-we should, um. G-go soon." James smiled at his friend's little quirk. Carlos had developed a stutter in the second grade, during a spelling bee to be exact. It had only ever come out in nerve-wracking situations. Carlos hated it because he could never hide it when he got nervous, but James always thought it was so damn cute.

James let his hand play around with the hairs on the back of his friend's neck before pulling him toward him slighty. James moved forward to close the gap. For a minute or so their lips just stilled. James was waiting for a reaction from Carlos. He rested his hand on James knee and leaned his head to the side, trying to get a better angle. The kiss was simple, and their lips moved together slowly, but it was enough for the both of them.

* * *

When the boys had gotten home, Mrs. Knight had cooked James' favorite meal. Chicken Alfredo. Carlos had spent all of dinner staring across the table at him. When James would catch him looking, he'd kick him lighty under the table and Carlos would laugh which would make James laugh.

"What is so funny?" Kendall asked, dropping his fork on his plate. "You two have been laughing for the past half hour! I wanna be in on it!" Everyone at the table laughed. James looked aroumd the table and couldn't help but smile. He was surrounded by so many people that loved him, and he loved them. Now he didn't understand why only days ago he hadn't cared if he died. He had a family here that he would be leaving behind. His best friends, his second mom, the girl he'd considered his little siser, and his- Carlos. His Carlos. He had people who others weren't lucky enough to have. That's it. He was _lucky_ to have them.

"Really? What is it!" Kendall asked again, practically begging for an answer which just made everyone laugh harder.

* * *

A few weeks had gone by a no one had noticed the two of them. No one saw when they secretly held hands walking to and from Roque Records. No one knew about their late nights huddled together on the couch watching horror movies until dawn. It was suspiciously convinient.

"So tonight's movie night." Carlos' eyes closed at James ran his fingers through his hair repeatedly. "Do you know what we're going to see?"

"Logan wants to see X-Men. Kendall wants to see Kung-Fu Panda. I want to see Super 8." He used Carlos' hair to gently pull his head back to look at him. "What about you?" Carlos smiled and looked up at James. This seemed so right to him. He wondered why he'd never seen James this way before because now he didn't even want to think of a world where he and James weren't this close.

"Super 8 sounds good." He leaned up and pecked James on the lips, which made the brunette chuckle.

"Well, I guess we win." He detangled his hand from Carlos' hair and shoved it in his pocket. "Do you think this is weird?"

"Us? No. I love us."

"No. The fact that no one's caught us _being_ us yet. It's been weeks."

"You say 'caught' like this is something we're not supposed to be doing."

"Well." James shifted himself out from under Carlos. "Carlos does anyone even know that you're gay?"

"I have a feeling my mom does. Maybe my cousin, you know Ari? The one with the really long hair that always shoves cake in my face on every birthday, I think she might know. Sasha knew. Camille knows. I think-"

"Okay. I get it." He laughed and ran a hand through Carlos' hair.

* * *

"Why did you two get to pick the movie?" Kendall stuck out his bottom lip.

"Kendall, the pouty face doesn't work for anyone over the age of ten." Logan walked into the kitchen and grabbed sodas for the four boys. "Except Carlos."

"Well, I wanted to see Kung-Fu Panda." He added, slamming down next to James on the couch.

"Well, I would love to be the face of Cuda cosmetics, but we all can't get what we want." He threw his arm around Carlos and pulled the smaller boy closer.

"They make your hair smell really good." He smiled sleepily and shoved his nose into the cluster of hair by James' ear. "Like coconuts and strawberries." James smiled. Carlos always made it his buisness to make sure James felt good about himself. Not that he'd needed much ego-stroking when he was a teenager, but now more than ever. He rubbed at Carlos' shoulder through the thick sleeve of his hoodie, almost forgetting the other guys were there.

"You two are awfully touchy feely tonight." Kendall inquired, sticking his hand into the bucket of left over popcorn.

"Well, Carlos always gets like this when he's tired. It's James that's acting particularly touchy feely." Logan set his soda on the table and threw his cardigan behind the couch. "You never let anyone touch your hair, and you just let Carlos shove his nose in it. You alright?"

"Yeah. I'm perfectly fine." He ran a hand through his hair and sat back into the couch. "Never been better."

"Does that mean that I can do this!" Kendall leaped out of his chair and tangled his hands in James' hair. Pulling and flipping it every which way.

"_That's_ pushing it!" He pushed Kendall away and tried to get his hair back to normal. "I'm gonna go put him in bed and comb my hair, _thanks to Kendall._"

"You know you loved it."

* * *

Carlos woke up to James carrying him to their room.

"I didn't know I was that light." He whispered, thinking the comment would get lost into James' chest.

"Yeah. You're like a little teddy bear." James leaned down to kiss Carlos' forehead. "My little teddy bear."

"Only yours." He put Carlos down in his bed, and started unlacing his shoes. "I can do that myself, you know. I'm awake now."

"Alright. I'm just trying to be a good boyfriend!" He laughed and threw his hands up in fake defense. He sat on the bed and undressed, starting with his shoes.

Carlos couldn't help but watch. James was absolutely perfect in every possible way. His voice, to his hair, to his perfect eyes, and especially his body. Carlos might not have realized he was gay until a few weeks ago, but he'd always found himself looking at other guys. James was the first really muscly guy that Carlos had been attracted to. Usually big arms, huge pecs, and insanely toned abs were a slight turn off, he liked scrawny guys. But something about James's body worked so well. Maybe it was the way it felt to be wrapped up in those big arms, feeling protected from everything bad in the world. Maybe it was how warm he was all the time. Maybe it was because no matter how hard his abs were, somehow his stomach was still soft enough to poke.

"Like what you see, over there?" James joked, ripping his belt out of the loops of his jeans. Carlos nodded, James chuckled and turned around giving Carlos full view of his back. He watched intently as the taller boy's back flexed with every movement he made. He got out of bed and made his way over to James, running a hand down his his back.

"What are you doing?"

"I just wanted to touch you." Carlos smiled and wrapped his arms around James' neck. James turned around, never leaving Carlos' hold. He looked down, taking in that Carlos was still fully dressed. He snaked a hand under the hem of the small boy's shirt, pulling it over his head. He could see Carlos swallow hard, he laughed.

"Don't worry so much." He pulled Carlos' belt off, the unbottoned his pants. "There." He smiled and layed down in his bed, patting the space next to him for Carlos to join. Carlos kicked off his pants and slid under the cover, against James.

"Thanks." He turned to face James and snuggled closer to him. "James, have you had sex before?" He looked up at James when he heard a sigh.

"Yes."

"Was it with a guy or a girl?"

"Both."

"Was it nice?"

"Well," He sat up against the headboard and Carlos did the same. "since you're probably going to keep asking. The first time I slept with a girl was freshman year. Remember Melody Sanchez?"

"Wasn't she like, four years older than us?" James nodded.

"It was terrible. We were wasted. I don't even think she knew my name."

"That does sound bad."

"Plus there's the whole _gay_ thing, which just added to it being horrible." He laughed and turned over to look at Carlos. "That was kind of when I knew."

"What about your first time with a guy? Was that bad?"

"No. That was perfect." Of course it was perfect, it was with Dean. They'd made love on their six month anniversary. James remembered every second of it.

"Was it with Dean?" James nodded. "You really loved him, didn't you?" James nodded again. He bit his lip. He didn't want to cry over Dean anymore. He was with Carlos now and that made him happier than anything could.

"Do you miss him?"

"Well, I have you now." James wrapped his arm around Carlos and kissed his forehead. "Goodnight, Carlos." Carlos smiled and cuddled closer to James, placing his ear on his cheast right above his heart. Falling asleep to the rhythm of his heartbeat.

* * *

I'm sorry that the ending was so bad. I'm also sorry that it's been so long since I've updated. Reviews help motivate me to write faster though ;) Yes, this is me bribing you for reviews. :)-


	8. Chapter Eight

Carlos had spent the day after thinking about sex. He was still a virgin, James on the other hand was not. He worried that when the time came, his performance would be below par and James would leave him.

"Carlitos?" The sound of Kendall's voice pulled Carlos from his thoughts. He sat up and looked over to the door.

"Dinner's ready."

"I'm not hungry." Carlos gave Kendall a half smile then laid back down.

"Carlos Garcia isn't hungry? Alert the media. Call the cops." Kendall laughed and sat next to him. "What's wrong?"

"I haven't dated that many people."

"Yeah, so?" Carlos sat up and turned to Kendall.

"How do I know if I'm good at something I've never done?"

"Well, you don't. That's part of life."

"But what if the person I'm with has a lot of _experience_ and I don't?" Kendall patted Carlos on the back.

"If she likes you, she'll be willing to teach you." Kendall laughed. "If you know what I mean."

Carlos shuddered at the thought of having sex. When Carlos says he's inexperienced, he means it. The closest he'd ever gotten to sex was physical therapy that time he'd broken his femur.

"Yeah. I know what you mean."

* * *

Late that night, Carlos had let his stupidity and insecurity get the best of him. Even though it was against his better judgement, he'd decided to watch porn. He figured it would be the best way to figure out what to do. Like a how-to video. He clicked on one and after loading for a minute or so, a series of loud moans rang through the room. He slammed his finger on the mute button, but it took a few seconds for the sounds to stop. He closed his laptop, praying that no one heard him. Every sound of the apartment settling sounding like an avalanche to him.

He looked over to James' bed when he heard him groan.

"Carlos?" He rubbed his eyes and leaned over to turn on the lamp. "What are you doin-"

"I'm sorry! I didn't want to watch it, I was just curious! I was scared you'd break up with me if I didn't know what to do, so I thought I should watch someone who did! Don't hate me!" He threw the covers over his head, hoping to become invisible.

"Carlos?" James pulled the covers from over his head and sat on the edge of the bed. "What are you talking about?"

"I _waswatchingporn_." He said it fast, hoping that if James didn't hear it the first time he wouldn't ask again.

"You what?"

"I was _watchingporn_."

"Carlos I can't-"

"Porn! I was watching porn!" He covered his face with his hands and waited for James' reaction. He heard a laugh and peeked through his fingers.

"You're kidding." Carlos shook his head and James pulled his hands from his face. "You don't need to be ashamed, Carlos. Everyone thinks about sex. I just really hope you don't think that I'm _that_ shallow. I wouldn't break up with you because you're a virgin."

"You wouldn't?"

"No and I'm a little upset that you thought I would." James ran his hand through Carlos' hair. "You mean so much more than that to me."

"Really?" James nodded. "So if I'm bad at sex, you won't dump me?"

"I promise." He took Carlos' chin into his hand and pulled him into a kiss. "Now go to sleep. And no more porn!"

* * *

"James!" James turned around and looked over at Kendall who was in the doorway of his and Logan's shared room, waving him over.

"What's up?" He asked, entering the room. Kendall shut the door behind him and ran over to his bed.

"I think Carlos has a serious girlfriend."

"No way!" Logan set down the book he was reading and moved forward to enter the conversation. "Like, more serious than Sasha?"

"Way more. He was asking me a bunch of questions about dating someone with _experience_ yesterday."

"So his girlfriend's not a virgin. Is it one of the Jennifers?"

"Well, he didn't say she was a _whore_. He just said '_experienced_.'"

"She's not a whore." James added. He ignored the looks he got from Kendall and Logan. "Trust me. Carlos wouldn't date a whore. She's probably a long term relationship kind of girl."

"Alright Love Doctor." Kendall laughed. "But gosh. If our little Carlitos is thinking about taking the next step with a girl, looks like we're the two singletons, James."

"Yeah. Single." James smiled and laughed quietly to himself. Little did they know.

* * *

"When _are_ we going to tell them? They _are_ our best friends."

"I have a feeling they probably know anyway." James flipped the handle and shot the puck into Carlos' goal. "I mean, there was that time when we fell asleep on the couch together and Kendall said we looked like a couple. Then there's Logan and his _"Why don't you have a girlfriend?"_ conversations." Carlos walked around the Dome Hockey table and over to James.

"Why don't you have a girlfriend, James?"

"Because I'm dating a really wonderful guy. You might know him. Name's Carlos. He's kind of short, tan, spiky hair. Likes corndogs, wears a helmet, speaks spanish when he gets excited." James smiled. The mere description of Carlos gave him that anxious butterfly feeling in his stomach. He would never let Carlos know that, though.

"That's me!" Carlos bounced up and down, stopping when James wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close.

"Yes. That's you." He leaned forward and kissed Carlos' nose, laughing when he scrunched his face up. They stayed that way for a while until they heard the keys rattle in the door. The flew apart before Katie sauntered in, tree hat in hand.

"No need to end your little love fest. I just forgot my walkie-talkie."

"Love fest? Katie, I think you're wearing that hat a little too tight."

"Don't mock me, Diamond. You're gayer than a unicorn riding another unicorn over a double rainbow. No offense." She walked to the back of the apartment, searching for her missing walkie-talkie.

"Offense taken." He and Carlos followed her. "Katie, you can't just go around spreading lies and assuming things about people."

"James, I'm not assuming, I know. I know everything, remember?" She looked under her bed and pulled the walkie-talkie out before pointing the antenna at James. "I would also think about taking your own advice about not lying. Tell them. _Both_ of you." She left the apartment, leaving Carlos and James to think about what she'd said.

"She's right, you know."

* * *

**Katie knows best. Feel free to review. Tell me what you want to see, what you think you'll see, what you want more of, what you want less of, go for it. :)-**


	9. Chapter Nine

"Okay. So we're going to do this all together?"

"No. You take Logan, I take Kendall." James paced back and forth in front of the door. "That way, it's easier. More friendly conversation and less pressure on us."

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Carlos grabbed James' hands. "You're sweating like a pig. If you don't want to, you don't have to."

"Well, I feel bad that you want to be public with our relationship but I'm too scared to tell our friends."

"Everyone comes out at their own pace. Just because I'm ready, doesn't mean you are. Take your time." James gave Carlos a side eye and laughed.

"Have you been reading up on coming out?" Carlos nodded excitedly.

"They say you should tell friends before family, because friends are less likely to take it dramatically but results will vary based on their beliefs." James laughed and sat down next to the small boy.

"You're amazing, Carlos."

* * *

James walked into the lobby, seeing Kendall sitting on one of the chairs.

"Hey, buddy." James sat down next to him.

"Hey, James. What's up?" Kendall set his laptop down and looked up at his friend.

"I have something to tell you."

"Okay. Tell me."

"Carlos and I are together."

"Together? What do you mean 'together?'"

"Like, _dating_ together. We have been since I got out of the hospital." Kendall laughed.

"You're kidding." James shook his head. "Really funny, James." Kendall got up and walked out toward the pool. That definitely hadn't been the reaction he'd expected.

* * *

"Hey. How'd it go with K-Dawg?"

"He laughed and walked away. This could either be really bad or really good."

"Don't worry about it. Logan said he already knew. He's okay with it. If Kendall's unsure, he'll talk him out of it."

"I'm just worried, I guess." He laid back on the bed. "What if he doesn't approve of us? What happens then?"

"Well cross that bridge _if_ we ever come to it. No matter what happens, we have each other." Carlos smiled and grabbed James' hand.

"You're all I need." He poked Carlos' stomach and laughed.

* * *

"So did Carlos pull that gay joke on you earlier?" Kendall set down the plates and walked back over to the counter.

"Gay joke? You mean did he come out earlier?"

"Oh, so he did." Logan nodded. "Dude, tell me you don't believe that crap."

"What crap? Kendall, your friend tells you he's gay hoping that you'll support him, and you laugh?"

"Yeah, because he's not really gay. This is _James_ we're talking about."

"Yes. _James_ who's seriously in love with our other best friend, who's desperately in love with him. Even though neither of them will admit it to each other."

"Are you gonna tell me that you're gay too? Geeze." Logan sighed and continued washing the dishes, hoping that Kendall would come around and realize how stupid he was being.

* * *

"I think Shaggy will always be my favorite. Him or Velma."

"Well Daphne's obviously the best. I mean, she's smart and she's got ~_style_." Carlos laughed before leaning up to kiss James.

"Guys. I get that you're all happy with your newly outed relationship, but try to keep the romancey, mushy stuff to when you're alone." Logan added with a shudder. Carlos used his foot to push Logan's shoulder.

"This is weird." Kendall got up and walked to the kitchen.

"Dude, we're still your best friends. The same people. We're just dating." Carlos moved over to where Kendall was, sitting on one of the bar stools.

"And it's weird! My two best friends should be doing _guy_ things together. Not kissing and shit."

"We can still do "guy things" together. We're _still_ guys." James added from the couch.

"No. It's all gonna be different. When we play tackle football, you guys'll probably be all over each other! Hockey will turn into just ice skating. When we sing together, you'll be singing to each other. It's just not the way I expected things to go."

"Kendall, they're still the same guys we've been friends with since grade school."

"I know and I love you guys, you're like my brothers. I just-" He looked back and forth between Carlos and James, then looked down. "I just need time or something."

* * *

**Well, there's a new chapter. Review? :)-**


	10. Chapter Ten

"Kendall hates us."

"Kendall does _not_ hate us." James pulled his shirt over head and slipped into bed next to Carlos. "He just needs time."

"How much time." James couldn't stand Carlos' pouty face. It broke him, made him feel like a terrible person if he couldn't give him what he wanted. It was an evil power that Carlos used frequently and was using right now.

"I don't know, cutie." He leaned down to kiss Carlos, leaving their foreheads together for a few seconds after they separated. "Hopefully not that much." Carlos nodded and slipped farther into James' hold.

"Wait, did you take your medication today?" James sighed. "I know you hate thinking about it, but I just don't want you to hurt yourself."

"With you around, I don't want to."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I did it before because I felt like I was alone. Like everyone had someone but me, but here you are." James walked over to the dresser and popped the top on the pill bottle, tossing one in his mouth before putting it back in place.

"I'll do it because you want me to, but I don't need them now that you're around."

"Aw, Jam_iiieee._" James never let anyone call him Jamie. Not even his parents. He hated the nickname, and thought it sounded girly and childish. Carlos was the only one he allow to refer to him as Jamie. His cockier side figured it would sound less childish and girly being accompanied by screams of "_oh god_" and "_more_".

"That's my name, don't wear it out." He leaned down to kiss Carlos. The sweet kiss subtly became heated when Carlos' tongue swept across James' lip, shocking him. "What're you doing, babe?"

"I want to have sex. N-now." Carlos' breathing became shallow. James could tell that he was trying to be dominant, but failing.

"Baby, you sur-"

"You're treating me like a kid again." He crossed his arms and sat up. "I know what I want."

"Do you?" Carlos sat for a minute, face twisted in thought before he nodded. "I don't think you do."

"Then tell me, James."

"Well, it has to be at the right time or else it won't feel right. You have to be completely relaxed, if you're tense it'll hurt ten times more. You have to be ready for the pain. I'm not going to sugar coat it, Carlos. It hurts like hell."

"That bad?" James nodded and wrapped an arm around the smaller boy. "Well then, how am I supposed to know when the time's right?"

"You'll just know." He kissed his forehead and wrapped the blankets around them. "When you know, and you're able to convince me that you're _really_ ready, I'll be ready, okay?" Carlos nodded and wiggled farther under the covers.

* * *

"Morning, big brother." Katie called as she entered the kitchen. She looked up at the vacant expression on his face and sighed. "Tell me."

"There's no way that James is gay. He just can't be. Neither can Carlos. Maybe this is a stage or some weird, drawn-out prank."

"Dude, they're like, head over heels in love with each other."

"No they're not."

"The only thing I don't understand more than your disapproval is how you didn't see it before. I mean, with James' love of fashion and Carlos' love of phallic foods you would think those would be _neon_ signs."

* * *

The boys were spending the day out together. They'd started at the movies and had now moved onto hockey.

"Carlos, you and Kendall will be a team, and James will be on my _winning_ team."

"Just keep talking trash, _Hortense_. That's all you've ever been good at." Carlos shot back, skating over to Kendall. "So what's the plan, chief? Should we do the normal play? I take James and you take Logan?"

"No!" Carlos looked over at Kendall confused. "I mean, I'll take James and you take Logan. You shouldn't try to block someone taller than you."

As the game went on, Carlos couldn't shake the feeling that Kendall was avoiding him. I mean, when you're on someone's team they're supposed to pass you the puck, right? Carlos saw Logan creeping on on Kendall's side and dove on him. Carlos laughed as Logan struggled to get out from under him.

"Come on, man!" Kendall shouted, pushing Carlos off of Logan and onto the ice before grabbing Logan's hand to pull him up.

"Kendall, we were just goofing off-" Logan started. He could feel the tension in the air, and being the non-confrontational one of the group, was attempting to cut through it before anything could start.

"No, Carlos was just being gay." Carlos got up and faced Kendall, throwing his stick away.

"What the fuck's your problem, Kendall? We were just having fun."

"No, you were trying to cop a feel on Logan. I knew that this whole _"you and James dating"_ thing would change everything."

"First of all, no one was trying to touch anyone. Second of all, just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm in love with anything with a penis, and third of all, why is me being gay such a problem for you?"

"Because you're acting like a fag!" Before Kendall could take the statement back, Carlos' fist collided with his nose. Kendall fell to the ice, and Logan rushed to his side. James was quick to drag Carlos into the locker room before he could cause any more damage.

"He such an asshole!" Carlos cried, slamming his fist into the lockers.

"Babe, be careful. You're going to hurt yourself."

"I can't believe him! He supposed to be our friend, and then he calls me-UGH!" He slammed his fist directly into the cement wall, gasping in pain when he pulled back. James ran to his side, and pulled his arm close to his body.

"Damn it, Carlos."

* * *

James was pacing outside of Carlos' room, looking up when he heard a door close. Logan waltzed out of Kendall's room, fingers rubbing his temples.

"Broken nose. Carlos?" James sighed.

"Fractured a few knuckles, messed up his wrist." He looked down, rubbing his eye before staring at the tiles on the floor.

"I'm sorry." James looked up at Logan and furrowed his brows in confusion. "For Kendall. I mean, that's a word I never thought he'd say. It's one that you and Carlos should never have to hear and I'm sorry that you did."

"It's okay, Logan. At least one of our friends supports us." James smiled and Logan returned it though neither of them were really happy.

The ride home was the most awkward ride the boys had ever taken together. Completely silent other than the hum of the engine and the low beat coming from Carlos' headphones. When they got home, they went straight to their rooms, not even bothering to tell Mrs. Knight or Katie what happened.

"Babe? You okay?" James had known that Carlos was still upset when he denied his invitation to cuddle in his bed, opting to sleep in his own instead. He heard sniffling coming from the other side of the room, and walked over. "You okay?"

"No." James laid down next to Carlos and he turned to bury his face in the larger man's chest, sobbing. "Why does he hate me so much? He should be happy for me! He's my friend!"

"People do weird things sometimes, cutie. I can't explain it."

"I've practically idolized him my whole life and he hates me just because I love you." The last three words struck James like a brick in the face.

"Why does he hate you?" Carlos sighed, frustrated to have to repeat himself.

"Because I love yo-" When Carlos realized what he was saying, he turned to face James, laughing when he saw the smirk on his face. "Because I love you, James." James wiped Carlos' face with his thumbs before pulling him into a bone crushing hug.

"My hand!" Carlos screamed before James sent the two flying apart. He laughed and laid back against James' chest. "God, I love you so much."

* * *

**New chapter. Whoop. Review? :)-**


	11. Chapter Eleven

_"God, I love you so much." Dean chuckled as he wiped whipped cream off of James' nose._

_It had been almost a year since Dean and James had taken off to the big apple. When he'd turned eighteen, James had said that he needed a change after two years of being a boy-band. Claimed that going to New York was an adventure of self discovery, Dean was just along for the ride. _

_James had met Dean the year before. On December 13, 2010, Dean had made the first move. _

* * *

_"James?" _

_"Yeah, man?" He looked over and saw the preoccupied expression on his face. "What's going on?" _

_"What do you like in a girl?" The question threw James for a loop, but he answered it anyway. _

_"Umm. She has to be funny, cute, nice, easy to hang with, doesn't take herself too seriously. It would be nice to meet a girl that actually likes me for me. Why?" _

_"What if you found all of that in a guy? Would you date him?" James looked over at Dean again, wondering if he were completely serious. _

_"He would have to be a pretty amazing guy for me to go gay for him-" James' thoughts were cut off when Dean kissed him. The kiss was intense for it being their first. James brain felt like it was slowly melting out of his ears, and his heart was racing at speed the energizer bunny would envy. Every breath taken in through his nose was caught in his throat. When Dean finally pulled away, James was lost._

_"So?" Dean searched for some kind of answer in James' blank stare, but he wasn't giving him much. "That bad, huh?" Dean shoved his hands into his pockets and kicked the rock next to the bench, wishing he could disappear._

_"N-no. I-um-was just caught off guard." The two sat in silence for a while, James looking toward the sky as Dean surveyed the ground. "It wasn't-um-" James stopped, trying to process what he was about to say. _

_"Wasn't what?" Dean leaned in a little closer, wanting to catch every word of James' reaction. _

_"-what I expected." James slowly looked down, turning his head when he caught Dean's eye, attempting to hide his reddening cheeks. "I thought kissing a dude would be like, I don't know, hard." His head shot up when Dean chuckled. _

_"Not funny, man!" He shoved him and laughed. "I meant that it wasn't aggressive or- abrasive! That's that word." _

_"It's a nice word." _

_"Got it from Logan."_

_"Speaking of, if you were wondering what it was like to kiss a guy, why didn't you just ask one of them? One of them's bound to be gay." James shook his head. _

_"There's no way any of them are gay. I mean, everyone expected it from me, the cosmetics heir. The other guys? Kendall's dad was a drunk bar fighter, Logan's dad's some biochemist, and Carlos' dad is a cop. All super straight men that raised super straight boys." _

_"You know that there are gay men serving in the military, right? There are plenty of gay scientists and my dad's favorite cop was gay." James gave him a funny look and Dean sighed. "My dad used to speed on this one street to drop me off at school and Officer Del Rio would always let it slide." He laughed and looked back over to James. _

_"I could probably talk Carlos into it, Logan would probably end up lecturing about how it's common for teenagers to question their sexuality and I might not be gay at all and Kendall? He'd probably punch me in the face." _

_"Well we can't have anyone wrecking that face now, can we?" They laughed and Dean reached up a hand to hold the side of James' face, shaky at first but he slowly gained the courage the stroke his cheek with the pad of his thumb before pulling him in for another kiss. James, content with his position, finally relaxed into the kiss. It went on for what seemed like decades until James' phone rang. _

**_Uh-uh-oh-oh-oooooohhhhhh-_**

_James scrambled around in his pocket for the device, sighing when he found it in his jacket. _

**_Mom says if u dnt get ur ass home now, ur dead. _**

**_Gustavo wld kill u if u got urslf killed. _**

**_Gt home, stupid! _**

**_-k man_**

_James groaned and looked around. When had it gotten so dark out? _

_"I've gotta get back." _

_"I know." Dean smiled and held out his hand. "I'll walk you back." _

_"Really?" James stared at his hand as if it were on fire. _

_"Well, duh. We're going to the same place, dumbass." Dean waited, hand extended, while James sat and stared. "I don't bite, James." _

_James took his hand and walked with him. "So, what are we doing?" _

_"I don't know. Hanging out. Kissing. Whatever feels right for you, I'm cool with it." James bit his lip and continued the walk in silence. When they reached the Palmwoods' elevators, Dean pressed James' floor button and waved. Before the doors could close, he stopped them. _

_"I almost forgot." He took James' face in his hands and gave him a soft peck on the lips. "Just in case you decide you never want to see me again." James smiled. _

_"I wouldn't do that." _

_"Good. Night, James." James waved and waited for the doors to close before bringing a hand up to his lips. _

_"Wow."_

* * *

_ "What do you mean, moving out? You can't leave us! What about the band?" Carlos' puppy face was in full effect, trying his hardest to change James' mind. _

_"The band will be just fine without me. Remember that show you did when I had laryngitis? They loved you guys." _

_"What happened to us being brothers? Start this together, end it together!" Kendall gripped at James' shoulders. "Huh? Where'd that rule go?" _

_"Eventually all brothers separate. It doesn't mean I'll never see you guys again." James set his bags down by the door. _

_"Mom, stop him or something!" Mrs. Knight shook her head and held up her hands. James was officially an adult, and with the permission of his mother he was off to live in New York. Kendall dragged Logan into his mother's room, hoping the smart boy would come up with something to make their friend stay. _

_"James, what about us man? We're best friends! Kendall and Logan always pair up in class, what am I gonna do now?" Carlos whispered. His eyes were watering as his voice quivered. "I love you, man. You can't just leave."_

_"I have to Carlos." _

_"Why?"_

_"I just do." _

_"Are you gonna come back?" James shrugged. "Are you even gonna miss me?" James pulled the smaller boy into a hug, rubbing his back as he now sobbed into his shoulder. _

_"Of course I'll miss you. I'll call you every day, okay?" Carlos nodded and wiped his sleeve across his eyes. Of course James would miss Carlos. He's miss him the most._

* * *

_"Carlos, sixteen corndogs is a lot." James spoke into the mouthpiece, barely hearing Dean tiptoe into the room. "There's no way you can eat that many with out puking your guts ou-Ooh!" Dean mouthed at James' neck, nibbling and sucking in random spots. _

_"Hang up." He whispered before pulling James earlobe between his teeth. James shuddered. _

_"I can't. It's Carlos." He lifted the phone back up to his ear, glad that Carlos hadn't stopped rambling yet. "Carlos, bud, I've got to go."_

_"Okay. Well, goodnight I guess. I'll text you goodnight again in 3 hours, when I go to bed. Bye, James!" _

_"Bye, 'Los." He hung up the phone and turned to kiss Dean, hard on the lips. "Mmm. How was work." Dean sighed dramatically. _

_"You know it's hard being pretty." He kissed James and pushed him until his knees hit the edge of the bed, forcing him onto it. "I've been thinking."_

_"That's never good." He slapped James' stomach before giving him a look. "Oh, okay. It's serious, I get it. Go on." _

_"Gay marriage is legal here." James' eyes widened. "Before you shoot down the idea, just think about it! I mean, I love this. I love us together and I love the idea of being like this forever, I love you, James." _

_"Dean, I-"_

_"Just imagine us married. We be the perfect married couple. We could get a dog and then later we can adopt kids and we'll be like the most perfect little family ever. Wouldn't that be great?"_

_"It seems a little soon, don't you think?" _

_"I love you and you love me. It's never too soon when you share a love like we do. Why waste it?" James smiled. Dean was right. Sure it might be reckless, but they loved each other so why not? _

_"Okay." _

_"Well, don't turn it down. Just think about it-Did you say yes?"_

_"Of course I said yes." He leaned up to kiss his future husband. "I love you, Dean."_

* * *

_James sat in the corner and watched as each member of Dean's family said their goodbyes to him. Every time James' eye caught a glimpse of Dean's face, his eyes filled with tears. That wasn't his Dean. The pale cheeks, blueish skin, vacant expression and limp body in a suit wasn't his fiance. _

_Just as attendance in the room became sparse, James made his way up to the casket. He took out Dean's copy of their anniversary photo and placed it between his closed hands. Before he could move away, a hand came up to rest on his shoulder. _

_"James, right?" James nodded. "Dean Sr." James shook his outstretched hand and gave a sullen smile. "He talked about you all the time. He was really excited for us to meet, I'm just sad that he didn't get to see it." _

_James took a seat in the nearest chair and Dean's father followed. They both sat in silence for a while before James finally spoke up._

_"So, I guess you're going to take his stuff home." _

_"Probably sometime before we leave, yeah." James nodded slowly. _

_"Having his stuff in the apartment was the only thing that made this seem less real." James let a few tears slip, but that was all. He wiped his face and got up to leave. "It was nice to meet you, sir." James added as he stumbled out of the room._

* * *

_On his way home, he stopped at the diner down the street from their loft. He ordered their usual, not realizing that it would be too much food for one person. As he ate his food, the full plate across from him started him in the face. That was the moment that he realized that he'd probably be alone for the rest of his life. He would've cried, but there was no point. _

_On his way home he walked slow, hoping that if he stayed out late enough all the horror stories about New York would come true. Kicking his shoes off at the front door, he looked around. Everything was exactly the way he'd left it. Like time was frozen. Like he was just waiting for Dean to come home from staying late at a long shoot. Like if he just went to bed, Dean would slip in after a few hours, finally getting home after going out for drinks with clients. It was surreal and it made James sick. He ran to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before losing his dinner. He pulled himself up and looked in the mirror, not believing that the person in there could actually be him. He was a mess. Hair mussed, dark circles encompassing his eyes. _

_He tried to stand without the support of the sink and fell, knocking the contents of the countertop to the floor. He fell to the floor and leaned against the bathtub. Sprawled out on the floor was a bottle of Aspirin, a broken razor and Draino. James couldn't help but think that fate was giving him a variety of escape plans. He picked up the razor and stared at it for a while before dragging it across his forearm. He screamed, not knowing whether it was from the pain in his arm or the pain of losing Dean. _

_He finally stood and shuffled to their bed, dropping into it on Dean's side. Watching as the blood dripped from his arm onto the floor, he cried. Sobs rocked through him as he leaned farther into Dean's pillow. He was gone, really gone. The love of his life taken away from him by a drunk driver. Gone forever. _

* * *

"James?" James shook the thoughts out of his head. "You okay? You kinda blacked out on me." He rubbed at the scars on his arm before cupping Carlos' face in his hands.

"Of course I'm fine. Just tired." He kissed his nose, then his lips and turned on his side. "Goodnight."

"Okay, goodnight. I love you, Jamie." James hoped that it would be believable for him to fall asleep that fast. He didn't know how to respond without breaking his heart. He didn't love Carlos. Not yet, at least. Part of James doubted that he could ever love again, at all. He heard Carlos sigh and felt him turn over.

"I'm sorry." He whispered into the depths of the bedroom, hoping Carlos would never say those three words again.

* * *

**Whoo! There you have it. I worked really hard on this chapter, hence it is the size of two chapters put together. I hope you enjoy it. Review! :)-**


	12. Chapter Twelve

James hoped that Carlos didn't notice when he didn't say _I love you_ back, but he had. It ate away at him for an entire week before he'd acted on it. He decided that maybe James was just nervous, or that it was too soon. Sure they'd been friends forever but they'd only known each other on a romantic level for a few months now. Maybe Carlos had moved too fast.

"Hey, James!" Carlos bounced into the living room and sat next to him on the couch. He turned the brunette's head and kissed him long and hard, hearing a groan come from the far side of the room. Carlos pulled away, noticing Kendall in the kitchen, he turned back to James.

"What's gotten into you?" James laughed. Carlos bit his lip and shook his head.

"_Nothing_. I just love you." James smiled weakly and Carlos laced their fingers. "So much, James." The brunette leaned down and placed a kiss on the smaller boy's lips.

"We should do something today." There it was. _Another_ subject change. Carlos figured that at this rate, he'd never get the response he wanted.

"Like what?"

"Anything, really. We can go ice skating, or out for dinner. We have the house to ourselves tonight, we can do a movie marathon. Anything you want, cutie." Just then, a thought sparked in Carlos' mind. If Carlos planned a _special_ evening for the two of them, James would have to say it back. Then they can move on in life, together.

"We can stay in but I want to do _everything_." Carlos saw James, ready to protest, and covered his mouth. "No buts. I'm doing this. Now shoo so I can make magic happen."

* * *

Carlos spent the rest of the afternoon fixing things for his and James' date later that night. When James came back from the mall, the boys said their goodbyes to rest of their housemates. Logan was doing a sleepover at the observatory with some other overachiever students, Katie and Mrs. Knight were driving down to Vegas for a few nights for a young entrepreneurs conference, and all that was left was Kendall. Carlos brushed him off, assuming that he wouldn't bother him and James tonight.

Once Carlos had successfully barricaded James into the bedroom, he continued to set everything up. Candles lit on the table, James' favorite meal that Kendall's mom had made before she left (but James didn't have to know that), and Carlos' iPod set to his romance playlist on repeat. He took a step back to admire his work when he heard someone clear his throat.

"James, you ruined the surpr-" Kendall was sitting on the arm of the couch, waiting for Carlos start talking again. "What do _you_ want?"

"I'm sorry for calling you a..." Kendall looked down and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

"You could sure as hell say it _then_." Carlos added, venom dripping from his words in a way he never thought possible. "Why can't you say it now?" Kendall looked up at Carlos, eyes watery.

"I'm sorry for calling you a fag." Carlos' anger died a little when he saw how genuinely upset Kendall was, and he took a seat in the chair across from him. "It's a horrible, disgusting thing to say and I regret that I ever thought it would be okay to say something that terrible to my best friend."

Carlos looked down and ran his fingers across the scars that lined the knuckled on his right hand. "Or ex-best friend. It's up to you, I guess." The blonde got up and walked over to the front door. "I'll leave you to alone to your romantic dinner. Call me when it's okay to come back."

Before he could close the door Carlos ran over to him, pulling him into what was probably the tightest hug he'd ever given. Kendall stumbled backwards a little, then held on to Carlos as tight as he could.

"I forgive you, man." Kendall smiled and ran his fingers through his hair. He patted Carlos on the shoulder before turning to leave again.

* * *

Carlos finally gotten everything perfect within fifteen minutes of Kendall leaving. He ran over and knocked on the door, alerting James that he could come out. The door swung open to reveal James in nothing but a pair of sweatpants.

"Thirty-five minutes? Really? Just to set up a small-" James walked into the living and looked around. Candles, twinkly lights, all that was missing was a woman playing the harp and it would be something straight out of a movie. Carlos stepped in front of James and handed him a single red rose.

"To add to all of the other clichés." He ran to the table and pulled out James chair, motioning for him to sit.

"This is so fancy." Carlos smirked and set two plates down on the table. "I feel under-dressed."

"The less clothes, the better." He could've sworn that he saw a blush creep onto James' cheek and he smiled as he sat down. "So, you like it?"

The brunette reached across the table, and grabbed Carlos' hand. "I love it."

"I love you." James smiled, pulling his hand back to start his food. Attempt number one, fail. "I have a lot planned for tonight."

"Like what?"

"You'll just have to wait and see." Carlos arched an eyebrow seductively and James turned red. Everything was going as planned. By the end of the night, James will have "I love you" pouring out of his mouth like hot coffee.

* * *

When they'd finished dinner, they watched a few movies. Watched was a bit over an overstatement considering that they'd made out all throughout Jennifer's Body. After that, Carlos had turned the TV off and pulled James into the bedroom.

He tugged at the buttons on his shirt, pulling it off while he nipped at the taller boy's collar bones. "'Los-"

"Yeah, James?" He threw the shirt toward the door before pushing James onto the bed.

"Are you sure you-" Carlos pulled James' sweatpants off, smirking at the shocked expression on his face.

"I'm not a baby," He straddled the brunette's hips, leaning down to kiss him. "I want this so bad."

He kissed his way down James neck, over his chest and stomach, nipping at his hipbones on his way to his destination. James ran a hand through his hand, moaning when Carlos took him in his mouth.

"Carlos, _please_." The smaller kept going, taking him deeper until he hit the back of his throat, making him gag. Porn didn't really prepare him for that. Then again, he should've realized that porn stars knew how to give blowjobs professionally. Carlos thought back to what he'd seen, dragging his teeth gently over the head. He winced when James pulled his hair. "I'm gonna-"

He prepared himself for what was to come, he just hoped it wouldn't taste bad. "D-_dean!_"

When James finished, Carlos ran to the bathroom, spitting everything into the toilet. He sat in front of it for a while, thinking he might throw up. He didn't know what was making him feel sick. The taste of James still on his tongue or the fact that his boyfriend had called out the name of his dead ex when he came. After spitting a few more times, he stood in the doorway, looking toward James.

"You called me Dean." The brunette looked up at Carlos, almost puzzled.

"I, what?"

"Dean. You called me Dean." Carlos' tone had changed completely. He didn't want to be mad at James, but he had every right to be. He put together this perfect night for them, only to find out that James was thinking about his ex while Carlos basically gave him his virginity. Of course he was mad. "So you're still not over Dean?"

"You say still like I was supposed to just get over it in a day!" He sat up, pulling his pants back onto his hips. "He was my first serious relationship, Carlos. I loved him! I still love-"

"You still love him." James got up and walked toward the door, stopping when Carlos spoke again. "So, you were just going to let me keep telling you that I loved you, and not say anything?"

The brunette turned around, realizing that Carlos was starting to cry. "You were just leading me on."

"No, I wasn't." He moved toward him, taking the smaller boy's face into his hands. "I care about you Carlos, I do. I lot. It's just complicated."

"It shouldn't have to be." He kissed James' cheek and walked over to his bed, slipping under the covers before turing the light on his side table off. James stood there in the dark, wondering what his next move should be.

He made his way into the bathroom, searching through the medicine cabinet for his razor.

* * *

**Wow. It's been a very long time since I've updated this but, voila! I hope it's alright. Kind of anti-climactic for such a long wait, but enjoy and review anyway :)**


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